TALKING ON A MOUNTAIN

What are you living for? Are you living each day intentionally? A small dialogue between two people on a mountain.

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“You know, I’ve been thinking recently…”

“Wow! That’s a first!” I mocked surprise and saw him roll his eyes beside me. His gaze was fixed on the cloudy sky and his eyelashes were white with captured snow.

“My whole life I’ve just been trying to find my happiness in others. Doing what my Mum thought I should be doing, choosing hobbies that my friends did, fulfilling my boss’ desires, trying to be the perfect boyfriend… but why?” He had been standing amongst the trees where we had stopped right before a steep drop but now he sat down, propping his feet in front of him attached to his snowboard.

“Jace-”

“I forgot what I even like. What am I passionate about? Or maybe there is nothing? I don’t know.”

I didn’t know what to say or if I should speak at all. So I just let him vocalise his thoughts.

“I thought I was happy for the longest time, but now… I have lost so many of those things that made me feel good. All there is… is this hollowness. This empty feeling I don’t know how to fill and a dull desire of wanting something I don’t know.”

When he stopped only the sound of wind woven with his barely audible sigh broke the silence.

“Maybe it was always there but I was distracted. This feeling. I busied myself in others, doing things-”

“Without ever thinking about yourself. I know.” I spoke quietly, but in the quiet my words were clear. Jace looked down from the sky and towards me.

“Yeah. I guess I felt selfish If I did. I do feel selfish.” He dug at the snow on his side aimlessly, forming a hole. I sat down next to him, my eyes on the trees with the weight of snow pulling them down.

“Taking care of your own needs isn’t selfish, Jace. If you don’t look after yourself too you won’t be okay. If you’re not okay you can’t help anyone…” I watched the fog come out of my mouth for a moment before adding “and you’re not okay.”

Jace didn’t say anything.

“Do you know why you’re here? - Today, I mean.” I asked him.

“Because you invited me since you like snowboarding?” He thought a moment before responding.

“Yes. I do. But no. That is me. What about you?”

A longer pause.

“I like snowboarding.”

“Exactly! This is why I asked if you wanted to come with me. I am happy snowboarding alone, honestly. But I wanted to see you snowboarding.”

“Why…?” He was looking at me a little puzzled.

“You look alive. It’s really beautiful to see you so full of energy. It has been a rare thing.”

“Jo-”

“I think it’s the only time you go within yourself and stop worrying about all that shit in your life you can’t control. You’re in control of your board. You make all of the decisions and see the immediate results. No one else matters. Only the moment is important.”

“But-”

“You think too much about all the things you can’t control but too little about the things you can. Focus on others’ feelings but not how you feel at all. That’s why you’re lost. You’ve been trying to drive your car from the passenger seat.” I took an exaggerated gasp of air.

“Joc-”

I cut him off again. “Rant finished!” I pulled my goggles down and flicked my snowboard to face down the mountain face. Before shooting off between the trees I turned over my shoulder to look at him, his gaze looking but not seeing.

“I don’t know what is right Jace. But what things make you feel alive? Maybe if you do those things - find those things - you will feel less hollow. Maybe they lead somewhere.” Our eyes met for just a moment before I slid down the mountain, snow trailing in my wake and my words were forgotten as I focused forwards.